Midnight and after, flying on the pavement that cuts through the field of wheat abutting Sugarland’s very own prison, the air unflinching in its heaviness. It renders itself inscrutable, this air. And my thoughts stop as I take it in, my probing ceases the moment the thickness invades my car, pushing me to get home soon so I can get back to normal.

And the thickness comes in slow. Probably because I have been away so long.

This used to be a swamp. All of it. Back at college, you could run your finger up and down a strip of stone on the architecture school to imitate the frog songs that used to pepper this place. A crude honor. They say Houston was built on top of a swamp, not in place of it. In my neighborhood there are alligator warning signs and no alligators. I did see a mutilated animal carcass on one of my walks near where the alligators supposedly reside. Maggots and flies was all that I saw of the alligators.

The air continues as I open the window in my room. The smell is the best now, when I am not concerned about getting anywhere, but more about staying somewhere.

Songs I miss come up in conversations with people, memories I have forgotten because they are associated with place, with the placement of my feet in relation to the placement of my mother’s feet. Where I sit on the sofa and where my sister sits. Where I type and where my dad’s glasses are propped on his nose. The timing of the air in relation to every other piece of me. These are the structures that help me remember.

They help me remember what they were feeling and how I was feeling, what went on in our minds, hearts at those times when we were together.

This is what I miss, this memory that I am remembering. When these structures are no longer there, when they change, I am afraid these memories will be gone forever. These triggers make me think twice about a lot of things, about change, about the immense ramifications of where and what I am living now in LA, and about the kind of air I have chosen to breathe, and wade through.

Posted by Vivek on Monday, May 21st, 2007 at 10:48 pm.